Everyday it seemed to happen without fail – as soon as late afternoon/early evening came I was hit with the most intense cravings. At work during the day my eyes shifting back to the clock every few minutes, staring down the seconds, waiting for the workday to end so I could grab my post-work drinks. The 20 minutes left in my shift would seem like hours dragging by. During those later hours whether I was working or not I would be at most on-edge and the super intense cravings that were the hardest to ignore.
Sober Foundations Posts
I was finally at the end of my rope with drinking, I didn’t know where to go. I remember feeling scared that drinking was going to kill me and I knew I needed to stop but I really didn’t know how. Willpower was not working for me and bringing it up with people I knew seemed to make them uncomfortable. There was one thing that seemed to keep coming up though: go to an A.A. meeting. I was assured that you didn’t have to have a religious belief, that it was set up for those who had those sets of beliefs and those who didn’t.
As I was walking from the office to my car to go home earlier this week I stopped for a minute and looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful vibrant blue, the sun was bright and beating down a welcome heat that we hadn’t felt in some time. I took a deep breath of the fresh spring air when suddenly my body tensed up. Just like that, out of nowhere a massive craving to go grab a case of beer… where did that come from?
“Why can’t I stop drinking?”
At a time in my life this was a question I asked myself almost every single day. During the time between when I knew I had to stop drinking and my final drink I asked this and a lot of similar questions. Alcohol was no longer living up to its end of the deal, it was supposed to be making my life better but it was making it so much worse. The problem was even though I knew the booze was making promises it couldn’t keep – I kept coming back to it. Each morning I would wake up filled with cold anxiety, wondering what I did the night before. I felt like my life was slipping out of my control and each morning I would ask myself: “Why?”
When I was still drinking I had a lot of trouble holding down jobs. I used to work at places that would hire almost anyone. Usually I’d drift between job to job, staying for the training and then do the actual work for about a year at a time.
For many years I used alcohol to “become someone I wanted to be.” Ever since I was a child I always felt out of place. I had A LOT of difficulty feeling “normal,” connecting to others, never seeming to be able to fit in with any group for a long period of time. What usually would happen is I would stay quiet in the group feeling it better to be accepted and unnoticed than say something and risk them not wanting to be around me. I felt like if people got close enough and got to know the “real me” they wouldn’t like the person they saw and would leave soon after.